Waiting to exhale

Passengers of flight 031109, this is your captain finally spilling her guts after a couple days off from conscious thought. I haven't done really anything at all of worth over the course of my spring break thus far, the mixture of waking up the past few dias with a completely open schedule and spending my tiempo with friends acting like we actually left town for PCB or Cabo. My actions yesterday were borderline ridiculous, and I'm honestly not certain how I maintained the frenetic pace me and a couple of mis amigas were on, but given the personal significance of what ayer represented to one of them, Peligrosa, I just soldiered through our silly-fest that started at 6 P.M. (for me at least) and wrapped up this morning at 7. Yep, you're reading that right, 7. But like I just said, yesterday was really heavy emotionally for one of my most treasured friends, and the poise that she showed until the slightest of meltdowns late into the evening was staggering, at least for me to comprendo. I am self-admittedly weak, be it crying over, well, everything, or whining when kid sib punches me in the arm or something doesn't go exactly like I envisioned it, which, as I tend to live my life as if I'm playing Russian roulette is quite often. One of these days I'm going to have to put the gun down or my haphazard lifestyle is going to discharge it and there will actually be a shell that hits me, and depending on the logistics of the bullet, I could be dealt a fatal blow. Although it may seem to outsiders in my life looking in that I think I'm covered in full body teflon, believe me when I say that I know of my infallibility, the chinks in my armor, know that I'm at any moment a potential fatality, aqui one minute, gone the next. And so I'm certain it seems backward, completely unfathomable that I would continue down certain paths, but a veces it just all hurts much too much, and it's facil for me to just choose to float along the lazy river on an inner tube instead of swimming against the current of the seas of success. I need to start praying for strength, because right now I can't much more than get up into standing position, let alone walk or even jog toward the finish lines. I've got to get my legs back. I have got to start living this right. And if that means having to completely give up the juice until I can drink again to enjoy and not to escape, then I really have to consider that priority. But like everything, it's always easier said than done, but if my life, or at least the good life is dependent on it, then I owe it to those around me, those that I love, and most importantly to myself, to give it a fighting shot. And by shot, I'm definitely not talking Patron.

the 60/40, as siempre…

1. Good- I just watched Manchester U on espnDos and had the amor de mi vida, Cristiano Ronaldo grace my plasma for a few horas. The boy es muy caliente, and I even managed to dvR the very end of the game when he went shirtless, thank you Dios, gracias, gracias, gracias.
   
2. Good- I still have no commitments or responsibilities until manana when I return to work, so if I want to keep sitting here in my sweats, drooling over soccer boys and Puerto Rican beisbol players in the World Classic, then that's my prerogative.
   
3. Bad- A boy that I have a slight crush on is holding me at arm's length because he knows he can. Ugh, I hate when my games get twisted around on me. Hypocritical, but no me importa.
   
4. Bad/Push- Last noche when I was out with friends, a stupid girl felt the need to run her boca to us about some completely ridiculous, unmerited shit and really wanted to fight. I called her a hoodrat before I walked away, and luckily she calmed down after a bit because even though I had on a pop-collared trench coat and four inch heels, I was just in a weird enough mood to pop her if she'd kept it up.
   
5. Good- A guy who witnessed the whole thing came up to me before he walked out later and said, "Honestly, I would have put my money on you." Uh-huh. Just because I'm generally weak sauce, let not an unknowing female test me at the wrong tiempo, because I did fight battles to near death over my childhood with my baby brother, and I blacked an ex's eye when he grabbed my face and wouldn't let me walk up to our apt. years ago. One of my dearests, Tt can totally vouch for the validity of that left cross I connected to his ojo.
   
6. Good- Another one of my bestests, Diggy, described one of our hippie type of friends as all "green and granola" and honestly, that's just classic.
   
7. Bad- I haven't heard from the Texan, surprise surprise, since Friday. And I'm certain, like always, he'll call again just when I'm onto something new.
   
8. Bad- My international bestests all took off last nite for Daytona Beach and I, having to work from Thurs-Sat had to stay behind.
   
9. Good- I am way out of dos-piece shape and wouldn't really want to frolic around with minimal body self esteem and have to worry about the guy I'm hitting on being in high school. I'll take comfort in those things.
   
10. Good- I continue regularly to get such positive feedback about my blog, which just shows me, that no matter how painful, how self-hating it is at times, that you guys see bits of yourselves, believe in my potential, and are tuning in and willing to ride out this journey with me, and that is gratifying beyond palabras.
    

Have a wonderful rest of the day all, xoxo.