Nobody said it’d be easy

Passengers aboard flight 032809, this is your captain speaking. Despite twelve or so vaguely productive, vaguely calm, even vaguely "maybe I'm actually getting down the road toward the big picture" days, I find myself sitting here, wet cheeks, gray hoodie on with its sleeves covered in patches of fluid, most of them having come from my nose. For once, my breakdown tonite was not spurred into existence by alcohol, or made worse by it, but simply involved too emotional run-in's between the ex and I and then the most betraying fight of them all, between mi hermana y yo. I don't even have an ounce of the strength necessary to rehash the stories of this noche or what they, verbatim, involved, as one, I am certain nothing short of a long run is going to even begin to shake this absolute dismal spell I have fallen under, and secondly, despite my blatant honesty about the que paso'ings of most things in my life, where family is concerned, I'm tight-lipped. There still are, and always will be, some sacred aspects of my life, and even if I'm so irritated with kid sib that I cannot see straight and feel like pulling her down from the spoiled little throne I and her brother have placed her upon, that's all that will ever be said, as the details are here to haunt me and me alone. And honestly, as we all know, things always seem way worse at the time of impact than they do hours later, or after a night of dormir, and me going on a rant right now about two people whom I love more than I do myself, even though I know I would be justified in doing so, would be nothing more than self-destructing, pulling my own pin out of the grenade that I am right now. And what's even more, I am facing a taxing dia this Saturday upon us, chalk full of a trip to Indy (tal vez), work until close, and then a meet-up with one of mis mejores amigas, Lo, who is descending her beautiful, energetic, Mexicana self on Terre Haute anoche. I can only hope to keep up. So, as one might deduce from all of this, it is perhaps in my best interest to curl up into a fetal ball under my down comforter and Ralph Lauren throw and close my swollen ojos and sleep, at least for a bit, and hope that the nightmares of this evening are over, and that in respite I can find the sweet dreams that tonight's reality could not offer me. And yet, I have not lost the faith through the altercations of today, if anything, they have served as reminders that I should never be complacent, even after strings of success, as without the bitter, the pungent, the tear-inducing, one would never know the sweet, the savory, the shit-eating grin that life has to offer. But no matter, I'm hurt. From him, I expected the bullshit, we had three years of it on and off, and especially now as it all falls down, no surprise. But from her, nunca, it was like Benedict Sister shit.

 

But who am I to talk? If I had a tear for every tiempo I've let someone important down in my life, if only for a split second, because of a misunderstanding, or from a well-thought out or thoughtless fuck-up, I would have enough saltwater to fill up a lake and drown myself in it. And I'm 25 and still occasionally making the kinds of decisions that cause others pain, not quince anos like she is. She's just a child, what the hell is my excuse?

 

And now, as I feel like the 60-40 is going to be helpful to me in the fact that I'll have to think of six positive things in my life ahorita, bombs away…

1. Good- I have 6 of the 8 march madness teams left on my bracket, and by a small miracle, can still have a correct final 4, championship game, and champion. Woo hoo MSU Spartans, my sleeper pick for the final cuatro.
   
2. Bad- It might not even matter if I have all the rest of those games correct because the first few rounds of my bracket look like bombs over Baghdad. Wrong sleeper picks here, BOOM!!! Too much faith in other teams there, BOOM!!!
   
3. Good- I am going to Indy in about six hours to watch a couple IHSAA boy's high school basketball state championship games and even though I have no real personal ties to any of the teams, I am such a pure hoops fan at heart, that it won't matter, and I'll still be mesmerized the entire time and fall in love with the game all over again.
   
4. Good- Actually, not going to lie, it's the ridiculous amount of shopping that I'm going to do tomorrow that is what has my little corazon all aflutter, not just hoop dreams. Hip-hop-hooray for the northside of 'Nap and all it has to offer my wallet.
   
5. Bad- Once again, bills are going to be put on the back burner for high end makeup and form-fitting jeans. Priorities? Yeah, that's a day-to-day struggle.
   
6. Bad- I have a tension headache starting to mount on me like someone has a vice grip on the back of my cabeza. I would liken it to the way it seems like to me that it feels when a mother cat carries her kittens by their necks, but then again, they don't ever really complain, so it can't hurt that bad, and this, has got me limp.
   
7. Good- Everything always seems a little bit better after some sleep right? Sleep dulls a person's pain receptors right?
   
8. Bad- Who am I kidding? Until mini-me and I mend things, and after tonite, it could honestly be awhile, I will inwardly be just a bit dead.
   
9. Good- My crush who is still outta the states for about another 16 dias, called me outta nowhere a couple noches ago. Really, really, really caught me off guard.
   
10. Good- Life goes on. And even when you're tapped out in death, life goes on. It's reassuring if you ask me.
    

Xoxo to all, and to all a better night than mine.