how do you sleep?

Passengers of flight 030307, this is your slightly saddened captain speaking. I was caught off guard this evening watching the boy's bball sectional with my baby sib, when I saw, for the first time in about a half year, a person that has meant a great deal to me and my heart since we were about diez anos old, and became more than simply a friend for about a 3.5 week period that totally turned my entire vida upside down. I won't go into any details with this, b/c honestly, i've got to keep a few dirty little secretos, but, seeing him this evening really dug deep into the core of me, much further than I had thought it would, as I really was starting to believe that I was completely over him, completely over the insanely comfortable, wonderful bubble of love we fell into a bit ago, a passion that was fueled even further by former friendship. It hurt me b/c its hard for me to comprehend how such tiempo can be spent with someone, with perfectly handled silences, laughter for days, and two personas being in perfect sync with each other, only to sit a gym apart not million years later and not speak, me next to my hermana, he next to a girl he has tried to talk to in the past, only to clown on later when we were together saying, "Han, I would have left anybody I have ever been with over the course of my life for you if you would have just said the word." Ummmm, yeah, still believe that? Our life has been centered since childhood on missed opportunities and signals and unspoken feelings, and now more than ever, even though I'm only vente cinco anos old, I don't want to jack around in meaningless relationships anymore, don't see it fitting to waste another 2 months, 10 months, or 2 years in something I know at the end of the day isn't my forever after. And so I sit lengths away from the one I always have known I would love til death did us part, regardless of his seeming flaws, and instead of being able to pursue it, I have to sit like an uncaring, unfazed mute, at least in regards to him, laughing at everything around me, and dying inside at the same time. I honestly believed I would be ok seeing him, whenever that situation arose. And turns out, I'm fucking not even close.

To change a little J-Mac for my particular situation -"It's been less than a year now, haven't heard that much from you, still missing you crazy, how do you, how do you sleep?"

But as mi vida, as siempre, even when bleak and flailing and seemingly over, must go on, here is tonite's 60-40. This six good after this kick in my theoretical nuts tonite will be hard to come up with I'm certain.

1. Good- CC boy's won their first round sectional game convincingly.
2. Bad- I had to see the person who has had the largest stake in my corazon since dia numero uno and couldn't breathe a word to him.
3. Good- The suspicious mole they found on kid sib's shoulder isn't all that worrisome to the derm that we saw today, so I'm breathing aire again.
4. Good- I ran 3 miles yesterday and am going to run here in a bit again. Slowly but surely I'm gonna get my cuerpa perfecta back.
5. Bad- I'm super hungry so most likely I'm going to stuff my face with bad shit because I have this emotional trigger that causes me to fall headfirst into a bucket of bad fats and sal, and well, somebody freaking squeezed mine tight this evening and my bullets been discharged.
6. Good- I have another day off work tomorrow where I won't have to be forced with the no-show that is M.
7. Bad- I am running out of all the money I made last week because of bills and irrational spending.
8. Good- I will never consider two on sale ralph lauren items irrational spending. And the striped dress I got is sooooooooo gonna be my verano staple.
9. Bad- I have a breakout on my chin that not only looks like mt. vesuvius, but hurts like it's erupting as well. Bitch.
10. Good- I feel my pulse for yet another dia. Gracias Dios.

Xoxo to all, and to all a good nite.