Passengers on flight 031309, this is your finally focused captain speaking. I'm blogging for the first tiempo in a while without a hangover of any proportion, and although I'm certain a certain level of entertainment with my posts will go down with my decrease in alc consumption, please believe that mi vida has always been a roller coasters of sorts, and if my life isn't que paso'ing out of control because of drinking, me and the muchachos I know will keep it real. I knew this was going to be a difficult change, as people have me pegged as a drinker (which hasn't typically been wrong of them), and when they see me out, such as last noche, if I'm holding some evian, there's something not quite right with that picture. As its toward the end of spring break, the bar scene was far from busy yesterday, and yet I had to turn down a filthy amount of shots and drinks and sell people onto the idea that an epic detox is of extreme necessity for mi. and despite the difficulty, annoyance maybe, I knew in my core that it was the right move for me, that everything I said "no" to, was a "yes" for my future, a tally mark on the chalkboard of progression and healing. And perhaps it seems ass backward as well that somebody who is trying to rehab herself would go out to environments where there are drinks free-flowing, and yet for those of you who really love and know me, you know that I would be more likely to fall back into my old vices if I did hole up at home. If I'm ever going to be strong, I know it's going to have to a combination of me being able to face el Diablo on weekends and tell him to fuck off, and with a great deal of work by me through the week to ensure that my dreams start to become more than fantasy and actually achieve reality status by focusing on school, and by making sure I not only get my physical shape back to those of days of 'yore but do it through healthy, athletic means, and not by me reverting back to anorexic phases I battled in high school or by eating add meds and weird diet concoctions. Today rolling out bed and looking at myself in the mirror, it was amazing the difference simply a dia could make, but I didn't see the battle weary mess that I usually wake up to and try and see through contacts that I slept in that are glued to mis ojos, and instead saw a glimmer of hope in my eyes, saw a canvas that I'm far from contented with, but at the same time, know that I can chisel and sculpt and re-shape into an eventual masterwork. I was never a sprinter in high school, and so none of this should surprise me, especially the fact that this race, my race, is going to be to the steady and sure-handed, for days, months, years at a time to get where I want, what I want, and not going to be a half a day affair. One day down, a million to go, and all with a smile on mi cara. Who knew?
60/40 boys and girls…
- Good- I am one day into soberdom.
- Bad- It was already muy dificil after only one night out to turn down drinks from all sides, and the scene was far from packed with the normal people I see from week to week, only upping the difficulty factor as tiempo will go on.
- Good- Even though I typically crumble, I'm up for this to hell and back of a challenge.
- Good- I think that I'm going to get to see the crush out and about town this weekend.
- Bad- He leaves on Monday for an entire mes, out of the pais. No bueno.
- Bad- I still need to get my room in order at mi madre and padre's casa so I can get out of the ex's for good. He deserves it, way more than me.
- Good- Our relationship is less strained even since yesterday, because as one who can see through my bullshit as well as a handful of my close friends and family, I think he actually sees the drive in me to change my fate.
- Good- The Texan and I talked for over an hour last night. I continue to be amazed that we can see so insanely little of one another, and go days without speaking, and yet, when we do, we laugh and connect and even love.
- Bad- I cannot stop biting my nails, a suicio habit that I've had since childhood.
- Good- Did anybody other than me see that intensely amazing seis overtime game last night between the 'Cuse and UConn men in the big East tourney? Omg, that was a freaking multiple orgasm for sports fans everywhere. March madness come early, oh yeah…
Xoxo to all, and to all a healthy day of progress.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment