And I’m feeling gooooood…

Passengers aboard flight 032409, this is your captain speaking. I have started this week off on the relatively right foot, making it to class, running the past couple days, and banking at work tonite, Ka-ching! I continue to pass through each day with a renewed sense of hope and drive and calm, and I love it. Don't get me wrong, I'm so far from all together and right that it's not even graciosa, but cada noche I put my head on a pillow and fall asleep because I am thoroughly cashed out from the day's proceedings, and each morning I wake up, having actually taken my contacts out, my hair not reeking of bar smoke, and my liver not having come up out of my throat. Es una vida hermosa.

I've crashed and burned the past couple days on the whole, "I'm going to cut out bad carbs" thing. Mama made spaghetti on Lunes, and turns out, if I'm at work, I'm going to eat rice. It's that simple—it's right in my face, I get hungry, and turns out my half Asian side makes me genetically inclined to like the little guys. Oh, and I'm four chapters into the book of Matthew. I know, not much, especially from a fast reader such as myself, but even though the Bible trumps well, every literary work EVER, I'm only being graded on the short term on my knowledge of obscure brit lit and audio production techniques. But on the long-term grading scale, I should probably dig in further into God's written word, as it's the only thing I've ever read that has never changed, and has impacted me at the most unexpected and desperate tiempos, makes me feel something. Because of my constant sewing of wild oats, only those close or somewhat familiar with mi vida know that I'm a pastor's daughter, and the older I get, the more I despise the "well you know what they say about pastor's kids" line, because honestly, I don't act out or against what I've been taught and at the core I believe because my dad kept me under some lock and key, but more because I'm just a bit loca, spontaneous, and have an addictive personality. But enough about me fighting my God-shaped void all the live long day…

Things are looking up, up, up. I have six weeks of this semester left (even though I'm going to take summer classes), miles to go (but 18 under my feet), friends near (and those who are far but dear to me and feel likewise actually keep in touch), a familia that is supportive (but still keeps me on my toes, pushes me to my limits), and God in my heart (although sometimes tucked away so far that nobody knows it but me). I hate sometimes that I have to keep being burned to the ground, with a great deal of my trials by fire being of my own arsonist tendencies, to try and rise from my ashes yet again and resculpt myself into some semblance of contentedness and fulfillment of my dreams, but maybe this is my destiny. As a child or even a high school senior, I would have said at vente cinco anos that I would be married, wrapping up med school for orthopedic surgery, have a child, and be zipping around in a high line import. And instead, at 25, I am divorced, without little ones, living at home, still working toward a degree, and driving my gramma's car around that has a fiercely shattered windshield that looks like a freaky spiderweb, and yet, here I stand. Unafraid of failure, because turns out, been there, done that. Full of hope for success, because despite my slow-jacking through the educational system, I've always known who I am deep down and of what I'm capable, as greatness becomes me. Heart broken in several places, and yet not jaded, because I will always be a hopeless romantic, capable of giving another my best, and having them love me, unconditionally, for my ups as well as my downs, for the things that I believe to be flaws, and the things they find only to be indicative of me and my unique nature. Although just an exoskeleton of who I can and will be, one day I will look back on all of this, and appreciate the opportunities, the accomplishments more, not bend under pressure like those around me that I know who have lived silver-spooned lives, have yet to be tested. I am me now.

And me now, is tired, has a test to study for and a paper to write. So, as is standard…

Xoxo to all, and to all a good night.