Team Selfish...

Passengers aboard flight 042210, this is your captain MsHap speaking. I was called "selfish" yesterday, by an individual with whom I have had a romantic relationship in the past, and the idea that I am possibly so has been reverberating in my head since. This particular comment was flung at me during one of our standard arguments, typically prompted by me not paying a bill on time, or finding myself in the position to not be able to pay another one at all, due to a plethora of reasons. "Honestly," said he, "you're starting to become one of them," (referencing the inmates he is around at the Federal Prison). "You only care about yourself, don't pay attention to the important things in your life, and then expect everybody else to bail you out when you can't take take care of your own shit." I stood momentarily stunned. Something about being likened to a convicted felon wasn't sitting right with me. He went on, as he can always say more, berate me more. "You are irresponsible, and selfish. You need to get a better job. Did you know I worked a full-time factory job overnights when I was a full-time student in college? You can't just keep thinking a serving job is going to cut it. You need to start telling the people around you 'no'. No more dinners with your friends. No more of your sister's AAU tournaments. No more unnecessary expenditures. Focus solely on your bills. In fact, school can wait. These debts are more important. Grow up. It is time to grow up." I don't know if he simply ran out of nails to pin me to the cross he was erecting, or needed a breath. Either way, I know him stopping had nothing to do with the fact that he was beating the shit out of me like I was a verbal punching bag. It was almost as if he were trying to reiterate to himself in that ten minute tirade just why we got a divorce in the first place. You. punch. Are. punch. No. punch. Good. punch. However, although bruised, I had a million retorts rising from the depths of my wounded spirit. Only one took form. " I am not you. And I am thankful for that."



Don't get me wrong. Certain things he said to me have validity, could be applied to my daily life and aid me in my quest for lessened debt, lessened stress. I do need to prioritize bills more adequately, postpone and/or eliminate certain purchases and activities altogether until I can afford them without having to later struggle for a couple weeks when I try to pay off the things I put off to have them. All the while ducking calls from creditors, tearing up letters from my bank, knowing that I am taking an AK-47 to my credit score with each passing minute. Yes, he was right in this respect. I am irresponsible, with money. But does this quality make me overall a menace to society? The society in which I function aside from my financial failings in as a great friend and family member, respected and well-liked co-worker, intelligent mind in my classes.



And further more, perhaps he had a final valid observation. I let his use of the word 'selfish' invade my mind yesterday, and continue to marinate like 4th of July meat skewers into my today. And now, having pondered it so intently, I see that in this classification, he was right yet again. I am selfish. But that's just it. Selfish in its typical meaning, connotation is heard and perceived as a dirty word. But to me, it's not unclean. It is, if nothing else, paramount to the success of an individual, to contentedness, to the ability to affect the lives of those around you in a positive way. If we ourselves do not take the necessary steps to ensure that we are of sound mind, body, soul, and spirit, just how legitimately are we giving anything to another? Perhaps to him it is incalculable, and ignorant that I would put off paying my car loan for a week to spend the weekend in Chicago at my kid sister's AAU basketball tournament. But I know myself. And the overall reward to me psychologically from watching her drain 3 point baskets on a defense shattering step-back, or thread passes like needlework to teammates that I don't realize are even open is my life force, has the ability to help me maintain perspective in a life that is otherwise filled with "big picture" types of things, like homework, and having a second job, and shit, dating even. I could have gone ahead and paid that certain bill on time, and then worked closing shifts all weekend and made even more money to use on other bills. But with every, "And what may I bring you to drink?" and "Are you through enjoying this?" and fake laugh, and wine recommendation, and 20 percent tip I would have thought of her. And how quickly she is growing up, just yesterday a jaundiced little bundle new to our house, an unexpected little sister that mom became pregnant with at 40, to just days ago standing before me, 16 years old, in her
Rihanna'esque prom dress with boobs that make me think it's time to go ahead and upgrade my own. My sister. My heart. I can already hear his reply. "There will always be other tournaments." But as I didn't have the energy to say to him yesterday, I say it now, "There will always be bills." And yes, I know that they as well have the ability to affect my mood, negatively when not cashed out, caught up right away.

But I, and don't count me as one of those fatalist type personalities, do understand another element to why it pays to be somewhat selfish. Life is short. Make yourself smile. Talk to and surround yourself with the people that make you laugh, make you whole. Know that things like debt should be taken care of, but that it is more than okay to let them sit there a little while longer and go ahead and take that trip that might change your mindset, change your entire world. Besides, the person on the other end of that debt-collecting phone call is getting paid regardless of whether you hit the "hater" button on your cell phone when he/she calls.


So yes, Ex Factor. I am all those things. Irresponsible. Prone to Excess. Fucking Selfish. But if you must know as well, I am also loved. Respected. Believed in. Counted on. a Ticking time bomb. And seriously, you know all these things anyway. Because if you believed me completely bad, a convict as you said, you wouldn't take the time to lecture me in the first place. I am avoidable. Here's to you passengers, do something for yourself today. And don't give a shit about what you're not doing for whomever else when you do so. The others will be happier for it, even if they don't know it yet.


And now, the 60/40...

1. Good- Watching playoff basketball in a restaurant the other night, the bartender said to me, "You really aren't like other girls." I took it as a compliment. I am going to sports broadcast one day you know. Anybody can be tits and a teleprompter. Not that I'm above upgrading to a C-cup. I just want to be the most statistically knowledgeable boob job in the room.

2. Good- On a further sports note, my Yanks have won 9 of the last 10 and the Red Sox are well...check out espn.go.com for yourself. (Ensuing evil laugh).

3. Bad- I really am drowning a bit with bills. And something about barely keeping my head above water and having it constantly up my nose and searing my throat is a hard emotion to juxtapose with relative happiness in the other elements of my life.

4. Bad- I have a huge E359 Women's English Lit exam tomorrow at 11 A.M. I haven't started studying at all.

5. Good- There are only about two weeks, possibly less, of school left.

6. Bad- I have to go straight away after publishing this post to handle some business that I should have wrapped up months ago. And b/c of how little attention I paid it in regards to everything else in my life, it is now not close to be finished, and more along the lines of just beginning. And probably worse.

7. Good- I am going to get to see him this evening.

8. Bad- My premier mini-marathon is in 13 days. I plan on completing it. but I am going to be far less competitive than I had hoped to be. We will see how my planned 12 miler this week goes.

9. Good- We are about to have a wine tasting at work. Yay cabernet.

10. Good- I just found out that the local Applebee's will be having donkey's to ride and take pictures with on Cinco de Mayo. It is so stereotypically perfect. Only in Indiana.



Escuchar (Listen)- Nicky Minaj and Sean Garrett- "Get it all"- It's sexy, it's catchy, just listen. And then do that sexy baby-making dance you do when nobody else is around. Or that you do for money, if you're a stripper.


Mirar (Watch)- Parenthood on NBC. An hour of watching a smart, love-filled, but complex, and at times struggling family that you can definitely find glimpses of your own in. I relate to real. And the Braverman's are.


Leer (Read)- "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening," by Robert Frost.


Pensar (Think)- "The woods are lovely, dark and deep/ but I have promises to keep/ And miles to go before I sleep/ And miles to go before I sleep." --the last stanza of the aforementioned poem.


Have a wonderful Thursday all.