Lost...

Passengers aboard flight 040710, this is your delirious captain MsHap speaking. My crazy, disoriented state is not the result of little sleep, I got plenty, well into this afternoon. It is not the result of lack of intellect, I would best any of your Jeopardy scores. I am just going nuts. Little by little, day by day. My heart, beating just enough to keep me alive to dwell on things, has decided to not be the only one of my vital organs to stand before the firing squad. It is said, that misery loves company, and although no other part of me wanted to hang out with my ravaged heart, it didn't matter. No one else RSVP'ed to the "great unraveling" and my heart, although dejected, was not to be denied. No. no. It decided to use its powers that do battle each day with things such as Reason, and Logic, and Values, and Lessons already Learned, and use these to get my brain, stomach, and tear ducts to open their doors, just enough, for it to hit them over the heads and kamikaze its way inside. So now, with this newly formed conglomerate of fuck, I am like a puppet on a string, subject to the desires of this terrorist group. My little Al Qaeda decided last night, enabled by the disheartening Butler loss, and a random Patron shot to go ahead and contact him. He answered. I hung up. Early this evening, while still at work, I got a few text messages. I read them. My insides pow-wow'ed and decided to unleash the flood gates I have kept tightly sealed the past week. I didn't even make it outside before my face looked like a little water park. I am valued at work, counted on, for keeping calm during everything that hell could possibly unleash on an establishment. I am an obviously emotional individual, not afraid to cry, but I don't do it at my job, or at school. I thought I had perfected, long ago, doing the robot. Weary eyes, labored mannerisms are typically never able to be expertly hidden. But all else, can be, and I, was no stranger to this dance. Until today. The terrorists hit me with their best shot, and, as is standard issue, didn't shoot to kill. But they hit their mark, inflicted subsequent pain, and let me cry like a little bitch in spite of the fact that I was still on the clock, not tucked away in my car, couldn't just chalk up my little outburst to my period. I am not even on my period. Astounding. I was outside for quite some time. Wind whipping my hair into a frenzy, moving my tears down my cheeks like they were practicing for the slalom in the winter olympics. I was hugged. Left alone. Probed. Kissed. I was spoken to in English. In Spanish. In silence. I even had a moment with a co-worker I'm convinced hates us all and could be secretly plotting our demise. I realized tonight he isn't going to ever do anything like that.

All I could think was that I really don't have time to feel like this, have this sort of feeling existing within me, ready in times both public and secret, opportune or embarrassing, triggered by anything and everything, to set off little bombs, cripple me with sniper fire. I have responsibilities, all of which I have been attending to since then, school and work and friends and family. I can see the light at the end of the graduation tunnel. I am aware I possess disturbing amounts of promise. But this is threatening it all, reducing me to going through the motions, doing what is expected, required. Smiling and laughing though inwardly pained. Moving on, although traveling a path that is dangerous and with any misstep could have me tumbling into the thorny ravine below. Learning to unlove him while yet still loving him. Learning to love myself. Eyes open, not seeing.

I have to stay busy. Must occupy my days with things that get me somewhere else in time, even if I feel like I am standing still. I haven't got that 8 mile run in yet. I would like to later today. Only problem is I have had 3 bites of a veggieburger to eat the past 24+ hours. I am not a vegitarian. I am also not hungry, still. I'm not trying to be a fucking martyr for this cause, like some heartbroken Gandhi. I am just not hungry. I am stuffed full of bile, and regret, and a desire to wake up later and hurt a little less. I am told, and know from experience, dulled pain comes with keeping on, doing right, endurance. So I know I'm going to do that run later whether or not food is consumed or not. So if you see a half-Asian running along the streets of Terre Haute tomorrow and she passes out, just pick her up and re-hydrate her. Actually, I've been drinking silly amounts of water. Shove a cheeseburger down my throat and call someone on the Iphone I've got tucked into my sports bra (I can't find my arm band). Anyone on my favorites list will work, although if you call my brother, he's in Cali and it could take a minute to get him here.

I am certain I will soon have to send in special forces to try and find my sequestered, scheming organs if this keeps up. But special forces only operate when I am trying to be better, not washing away all the work that they aim to do with alcohol. I owe it to those of you who love me to fight back, to re-establish my heart, mind, soul, spirit, and body as my own. I owe it to myself. I am going to need to make peace with God. And as I am not only not hungry right now, but also not tired because of plenty of sleep, I am thankful for the 60/40.

1. Good- The Yankees beat the BoSox this evening 6-4 at Fenway. Our line-up looks good, and I'm not talking superficially. Go ahead and launch into your "of course they are good they spend unGodly amounts of money on their roster and no other team in baseball even comes close." I know you're thinking it. Indulge yourself already.
2. Bad- We lost on opening night Sunday to the BoSox, after having them down 5-2 going into the 7th. I was feeling ultra-cocky and shot out a text and wrote on the facebook walls of a couple hardcore Boston fans I know. I was in the midst of doing some pilates at home after leaving Bw3's contented with the way the game was going when I got a text from one of my cardinals loving close friends, which read, "Ouch Yankees." Fuck.
3. Bad- I have had two of the people most dear to my heart tell me at some point over the past couple days how worried they are about me and disappointed and how desperately I need to get my shit together. Completely. Cue more bullets.
4. Good- Today is a new day and with it brings the potential for change and righting my wrongs.
5. Good- I realized last night that I want to be Gordon Hayward of Butler's baby mama. And I don't want even really want kids. It is just something about his baby face, sick basketball knowledge, and his little busted lip. Go ahead and launch into your "You just love him because he'll probably be an NBA lottery pick" spiel. I know, once again, you're thinking it.
6. Bad- I have a brit lit quiz at 9 am. It's 3:01 am. I have more Jane Eyre to read before it.
7. Good- I am good at educated guesses. Oh, and a proficient reader of Sparknotes as well.
8. Good- I was reading through my newsfeed on facebook last night during the game and a reader had given me a shout-out (full name) on her status as to whenever she see's one of my blogs is up that she drops everything to read it immediately. It gave me goosebumps.
9. Good- I am losing, but I am not lost.
10. Push- I saw and talked to him this evening. That is it on that.

Escuchar (Listen)- "Me Duele Amarte" by Reik. I don't care if you understand Spanish at all. The lead's silky vocals and the sentiment behind it will be all you need to get it. Translated however, "It hurts me to Love you."

Mirar (Watch)- Aziz Answari's stand-up clips from his Comedy Central special "Intimate Moments for a Sensual Evening" on youtube. His impressions=sick. His material=hilariously on-point and current. He could have made me laugh tonight when nothing in the world was funny to me.

Leer (Read)- The Bible. Religious or not, there is some sound advice to be heeded amongst the stories of David and Goliath and prospect of hellfire.

Pensar (Think)- "Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it are the issues of life." - Proverbs 4:23 in aforementioned Bible. I should have done more with this one than simply be able to quote it off the top of my head.

Have a wonderful Wednesday all...I will certainly try.