the afternoon after...

Passengers on board flight 040210, this is your captain MsHap speaking. Today was one of which I started halfway finished, waking at 3:30 P.M. (go ahead and sigh all of you, but I didn't have school or work until 5 and I desperately needed it. Each and every minuto.) I awoke to no call or message from him, despite a novel-esque text that I sent before I crashed in the wee hours of the morning, putting out my last "I'm sorry's" and reiterating that I under no circumstances want us to go out in this manner, that I'm willing to make some concessions, and that I know myself to be of fault. Truth be told, I knew I wouldn't wake up to a text back. Regardless of whether or not we ever progress to anything even resembling a friendship in the future or go on to give this another shot, yet another certainty exists. He is going to make me grovel. Ignore me whether he can't sleep at night or not. Make me prove, over emotionally grueling seconds, minutes, hours, and days, that I meant what I said last night. That I am indeed capable of personal progress, change. I know this is a chance for me, a win-win situation to embrace and proceed towards what I know is missing in my life, reinvent myself as MsHap 2.0. If I work toward this societal re-release, fine tuning my already strong, core traits, honing new skills, and shedding old skin, people, and routines, then weeks, months, or a year from now, I will be better for all this labor, clean-up. And whether or not he works himself back into my equation, I know in the pit of my gut, that it's high time for me to step up to the plate, embrace the destiny and opportunities that have awaited me for so long. It's time for me to not only understand that my intelligence and God-given abilities do not entitle me to any success and happiness, but that none of those things will come without working my ass off, waking up when no one else is, saying no to drinking through the week and absolute debauchery on the weekends, and re-configuring every detrimental habit that I have developed over the past 8 years. If nothing more, I hope that one day he thinks of me and is proud to have known me, loved me. Because as it stood last night, I saw nothing but utter disdain and weariness toward me in his ojos, a far cry from the usually soft quality they take on when I am in view.

With all that said, despite my tardy start into Thursday, I managed to accomplish a handful of positives, namely working, running for the third day in a row, and doing an abs/arms circuit that involved upwards of 500 total reps. Work was interesting, as I am uber close to a handful of my co-workers, and bullshitting them about anything, especially my state of mind, is nearly impossible. Guests are easily fooled by robotic smiles and gestures, and honestly, unless they know me personally, don't really give a shit about whether their server has "sad eyes" anyway as long as the service is efficient and accurate, and the food great. And as for my place of employment, check all of the above. But as I said, a few of those around me were like sharks on blood, probing me with "Hey, you ok's," and "No, seriously, what's wrong with you, talk to me's" the moment we locked eyes. And I, like the open book that I am, did divulge everything to those that I trust and was met with a smorgasbord of responses. They ranged from absolute disbelief on the parts of some, to knowing, pained looks from others, as we all have known for so long, both spoken and not, that it was not a matter of it all falls down, but simply when. *To each of you, and you know who you are, I love you guys. The hugs, and condolences, and the fundamental concern that you exuded and showered me with earlier is indescribably appreciated.* A couple of them insisted that although it is all seemingly for the best, that it is far from over. A good guy friend whispered in my ear, "He'll call." And honestly, even if he doesn't, just hearing that from him spoke volumes to my heart.

It is 4:07 am and I am still awake, laundry washing and drying, me pondering on whether or not to go ahead and stay up the remaining 5 hours until my first class like a crack head, or give into the slow, soft serenade of slumber I am starting to hear traces of in my ears. I should probably sleep, if only for an hour or three, as my Friday is, on paper, loaded. I suppose my blog in the next day or so will fill you in on if I actually did so. Or well, my lack thereof if I thus so crash and burn. So on to the 60/40...

1. Good- I am always amazed that the cliche "when one door closes another door opens" is indeed true the majority of the time. In my case, it came in the form of a couple phone calls from two individuals that I had not spoken to in quite some time, both close to my heart in varying degrees. One was the father of one of my exes just letting me know he was thinking of me and hoped me well, and the other The Texan, a boy who came into my life 6 years ago in California, and has managed, despite the fact that we've never actually dated or even lived in the same, or neighboring states, to remain a fixture of sorts in my romantic sphere, a what-if that I have always wanted to pursue. Both calls caught me off guard.
2. Good- A friend of mine I have not seen in months is coming into town this afternoon to spend the entire remainder of the evening with me and I could not have asked for better timing on her part. At this point, any distraction is a welcome one, and when it involves someone who gets me, even better.
3. Bad- My sleep schedule has been absolutely fucked up this week so far. It's 4:18 for goodness sake.
4. Good- I have adderall. Enough said.
5. Good- I heard the song "Vanilla Twilight" by Owl City today (download it) and got through it without crying, despite its hard-hitting relevance to my current situation. Favorite line, "As many times as I blink, I'll think of you tonight."
6. Bad- Owl City's biggest and first hit, "Fireflies," is a song that I hate with a passion, change every time I hear it on the radio, and am now subjected to, my revulsion be damned, by the new Hollister playlist. Yes, I work there too. I am eerily good at folding things and creating visually appealing walls and displays.
7. Good- We are one day away from the Final 4 games in Indy, including home-state Butler playing Michigan State. (I'm prophesying a Butler victory here folks, remember me doing so later). And, on this same note, I'm going West Virginia over Duke as well.
8. Bad- Indianapolis is going to be absolutely raging on Saturday evening and I have to close at work and need the money. So no party for MsHap. There at least.
9. Bad- Every time I hear my little iphone text alert I secretly wish it was him and am honestly saddened a little more when it isn't.
10. Good- I am going to better me, and in turn, get better. I feel it. Don't look for this to happen over night though. I am the queen of sabotage remember?

Good night all. Sueno conmigo.