Losing, but not lost

Passengers, you have the geniuses that comprise Coldplay to thank for tonite's headline. "I may be losing, but I'm not lost…" I heard it, and I can't think of a better summation for my life at this current hour. I feel as if I am paddling furiously to get to a shore that always gets further away instead of closer most of the time, and yet I know I have potential for greatness tucked deep away in me, covered by years of accumulated failures and heartbreaks and screw-ups and bad choices. And yet, although it may take much more tiempo than I believe I can actually stomach, I pray each nite to get it right, to be strong when I'm normally weak, to stop using the "I just don't have any common sense" crutch to explain my fucked up thought process. I can liken my life right now to a morning after under-aged campfire, littered with busch light cans and the air reeking of smoke and bad decisions. However, despite the regret-filled, vomit-speckled atmosphere, there is a still a bit of a fire smoldering under all the ash, and in that fuego pequeno is where I find myself. With just the right breath of air I could ignite at any time, or a little douse of some sort of accelerant, but if there is one thing I am learning in the hardest way each dia, it's that it isn't luck that starts a fire, because luck doesn't exist. Luck is when a lot of leg work meets the right opportunity, not the result of a random whim or erratic behavior.

 

I will light this mundo up one day like a reckless, unapologetic California wildfire and you will all watch me burn. But don't get it twisted, I mean stay aflame. I don't mean burn out.

 

And now, as I'm half an hour away from getting a change of venue for a noche & heading to e-ville with baby bro and the boys, without further adieu…the 60-40.

1. Bad- Clay City boy's b-ball team couldn't make the most of their many opportunities to knock off northview for the first time in boy's varsity hooping history in clay county, but good effort regardless.
   
2. Good- I rocked a dress to the game that hugged in the right places, concealed in the lackluster, and sealed the deal on some free dinners if I want them on down the road. See, I told you a good closet is an investment.
   
3. Good- Even though I've seen my "When I grow up" list since kid-dom go absolutely kicking and screaming down the drain, I am still a dreamer. I am moved on the daily by the smallest things in life, a beautiful picture, an ill dance routine on AbDc, song lyrics, the hand of someone I love on the small of back, a swished 3-pointer at the buzzer.
   
4. Bad- The boy that has had me tripped out on and off the past five years, the Texan, hasn't called me back or returned my texts since 2 nights ago, when I missed his call at 4 A.M. and he sounded like he was crying on it. I have no clue what that even indicates.
   
5. Good- Part of me is irritated that he's gone MIA, but the majority of me is solid no matter. Too many really cute, more than adequate boys to pass my time. At my disposal. And so many more that I haven't even met yet.
   
6. Bad- I am going to be redic amounts of tired when I roll into sushi central at 10:30 in the morning.
   
7. Good- My job is the absolute truth and so are my co-workers and so I'll get into the swing of things pretty quickly. Especially if I can get my hands on a tall soy vanilla latte with whip before I get in there.
   
8. Bad- I took the night off work to catch up on homework and honestly didn't get jack shit done.
   
9. Good- I enjoyed every second that I spent just attempting to re-charge my batteries.
   
10. Good- Everything's not lost.
    

Xoxo to all, and to all a good-nite.