as the world turns

passengers aboard flight 042309, this is your captain speaking. The past dos days have been as up and down as I have come to so expect from mi vida, and I am equal parts amazed and bewildered at just how I haven't completely lost it, completely tapped out from all things sane and productive that I have going on within and for me. Since my last outpouring, and boy, was it, I have chalked up yet another altercation, this time with mi hermano, which honestly he was just looking out for me and I, out of my cabeza off some corona light and tequila shots don't remember much of anything about it, other than at one point him calling our dad (yes, our pastor dad) and having me talk to him and then him slinging me over his shoulder and throwing me on his couch. Stellar. This was all following a storytelling catch up sesh with una de mis mejores amigas, and as we discussed over way too mas to drink and way too little to eat, there are certain people in life who can't stay outta troubles way, bad luck's arm reach, but that simply isn't the case for us. We create, find, stir up the pot of all things stupid and dangerous, and not the other way around. I am not proud of this wild, sometimes reckless streak that lies dormant in me only to manifest itself, well, whenever it can, but I do acknowledge whole heartedly that I am my own worst enemy, that the whole world isn't conspiring against my success or putting roadblocks in my way, I am simply prone to running wildly off the normal path and increasingly so when I drink. I think its a pretty simple equation to read, stop drinking and get better. But in reality, the equation becomes insanely screwed up when you have to plus in a divorce and the passing of my grandma and the fact that I'm still dicking around with school, and so call me weak, tell me to get over myself and that everybody has their problems (many people with greater ones than mine), and I'll tell you in response that you're right, on both counts, but I am me and I am flailing, and that occasionally I find that I have to escape, just to go on breathing. So put down the bottle and then things will get better. Yeah, about that...However, despite this alternate being that I feel that I am right now, I remain, to press on another day, and with that said, tonight's 60/40, because believe it or not, I am still happy on a handful of levels. Small miracles.

1. Good- Sister is in the first third of her track season, and watching her compete in anything has always been one of my favorite pastimes. She won the 800 tonite, and is running 2 meets into the year in the 2:30's so we're right on pace for that record.
2. Good- I saw my crush who is back stateside for the first tiempo in like two months last nite and he gave me a ride home where we finally got to talk about some stuff.
3. Bad- The talk ended up really vague as to what we're actually trying to do, if anything, and he was dead sober and I was dead drunk and so who knows what I actually even told him. Muy peligrosa, yo se.
4. Bad- I am at home for the nite and dad wants to "talk" to me before I go to bed. And although I know he's understanding, no one likes to talk to his kid about their drinking problems when they have always been a cause of worry even before alcohol entered the picture.
5. Good- The Yanks are 2nd place in our division. I'll blog later about my trip to the Bronx and the New Yankee Stadium, where I literally cried at one point.
6. Good- I have started to realize, to an even greater degree, just how close and meaningful a certain one of my best friends is, Diggy, who has shown her loyalty to me the past week at any uncomfortably random time that I have called her crying and needy and not made me feel an ounce of guilt for it.
7. Bad- I need to start working out and eating decent foods again. I haven't seen a treadmill in weeks nor anything organic and I feel sluggish as a motherfucker.
8. Bad- This weekend is shaping up to require a ridiculous amount of focus and energy for me, we shall see.
9. Good- I'm having lunch, maybe, with the ex tomorrow, and hope he and I can come to some sort of mutual agreeance to disagree on everything that we were, are, and will be.
10. Good- I'm still kicking. Although its usually me, in my own face.

Xoxo to all, and to all a good nite.