on the brink...

welcome passengers to flight 033010, this is your captain msHap speaking. I have had one of those days, in which you find yourself thinking it was a push overall, the positives and the negatives battling one another so effectively, mirroring each other's every move like some sort of fucked up animal mating ritual, that you do nothing more than sigh yourself to sleep at some point and drift off thinking of what you can improve on when you wake up and what simply needs to be maintained. For me, on the bright side, I made it to all of my classes, ate well, worked out, and am sitting here currently waiting on my kid sis to return home from soCal. On the flip side, and there is always, as sure as life goes on despite your certainty that it will not at times, a flip side. But don't let me fool you, I'm not the "life isn't fair" type. Perhaps in certain situations, it is far from logical, excessively painful, erratic really, creating gale force winds for unsuspecting, undeserving, ill-equipped people. But I am not that person, one of those people. I exist with the understanding that 90+ percent of the pain that others feel in viewing my life, the pain that strangles my very heart, the stressful situations that I find myself subjected to on a near daily basis are of my creation, of my own laziness, or vanity, or inability to say no, prioritize, will myself to change and extract myself from situations that are morally unsound and absolutely reckless. People may have a million things to say about me, and when the truth is shaken out from the bullshit, you can take it to your grave that there are a handful of certainties that exist for me. Things that you can whisper behind my back or fling at me face-to-face that I will have little to no reply for...I am habitually tardy, love someone that I shouldn't, am prone to excess, and sleep too much. Oh, and that I'm loud. Get over it. Once you adjust to the volume of my voz, you'll realize there is much you can either wet yourself laughing over coming out of my mouth, or some really, really solid, non-judgemental advice. And not because I'm a know-it-all, but because I know a lot. It's different. I've fucked up enough to be able to steer you clear of nearly anything that will one day level you and blow up in your face or to be able to let you know that you will survive when you don't heed me in the first place. But perhaps one last thing that I'll guarantee you that you will never be able to deny me, regardless of whether I am an absolute waste of God-given talent, regardless of whether you hate my legs, hate my swag, hate the blunt but articulate things I have to say, is that I am genuine, never deny that I love with all of me, and receive it in copious amounts in return. And honestly, at the end of the day, at the end of all of this, what else do we really want? People talk, money talks, titles talk, and yet talking will eventually fall on deaf ears. You know what doesn't? The way you make people feel, the way that you love. I am in no shortage of this. This is what propels me on.

But at the same token, I spent nearly half an hour crying while back and forth texting someone because of them calling me out on my love, my naivety, my blind trust. He told me I love too much at times, or that I at least put forth this most tender, yet powerful of emotions on individuals who want nothing more than to have me around and then talk ridiculous amounts of shit behind my back. "Do what you want, be around who you want," he texted, "but know that despite this skewed vision you have of yourself at times, about how you are above all this, able to chill, and screw, and drink like an idiot, around certain people, with no repercussions, that you aren't. You want to be famous one day," he shot my way. "Oh, you are, but in no way the way you think or actually want." And these notions, although realized by my own self at times, were not welcome guests into my day's emotional guest house, and went on to eat all the food in my fridge, leave the toilet seat up, and not make the bed. Fuck. And worst of all, is this all came raining down on me from a person that I value more than most, and despite the peculiarities of our particular interactions, is someone that I know who never has, nor would try and verbally wound me without me pushing him to the very limits of his amor for me, having wounded him first, over and over with my blatant disregard for his feelings at times, only to always expect him to warm back up to me immediately after, coddle me when I demand it, force his own feelings and words down under a calm and smiling facade when someone around him degrades me in some way, with some words. He would later apologize, but needn't have. He was right, he is always right. And for the many reasons he moves me, this is one quality I have come to despise. Oh, what tangled webs we weave. And this one, has me like a mummified fly, bound up in the silken, but sticky threads, only able to buzz, devoid of movement. But don't blame him, I trapped myself in the first place. Each day I wait now for the fatal bite. It's coming.

I, however, feel hopeful at the prospect of the remainder of this week. I dropped about $50 at wal-mart, which, if I utilize/consume the items in my cart, could potentially create some good energy, take steps in the right direction for once, at least in physical matters that is. I have many things to do over the course of the next few days that I have been putting off and if I do so, could clear up some major mental space for me. And God knows, when your heart is already full, you need all the extra room elsewhere that you can get. Stay tuned.

And now, for the 60/40. A random run-down of 6 things/observations in my life that bring a smile to my face and 4 that I could do without having done or seen or heard. Be careful my friends, acquaintances, random members of society and tv stars. This is where you could end up one night if you're not careful, or immortalized if you floor me.

1. Good- Kid Sib should be home any minute now. With her return I get my best friend back, and some new clothes and a black sephora eyeliner (and females, it is seriously the most no budge, worth it $5 you could ever spend on something). Yeah, I'm passionate about make-up.
2. Good- I caught up on the episodes of Life (Discovery Channel) that I missed from Sunday and am absolutely floored by the camera work, mesmerized by the beauty and splendor that is God's creation, and amazed at the work some of those little fish I watched put in to get food, breed, and stay alive. I can't even get myself to do crunches. Check it out if you haven't seen it. One of the best hours on tv right now.
3. Bad- Although I worked out, I didn't get a run in today like I wanted. Which, plus for the workout, but I am "training" for a race, so ummm, yeah, about that.
4. Good- You guys are reading my posts again. and you have no idea how stoked this makes me, how much this fuels my fire to write, to share. I adore feedback so hit me with it.
5. Good- I got a somewhat random text from someone this afternoon who is relatively new to my radar about wanting to hang out this weekend.
6. Bad- He said this last weekend. We didn't hang. Thank God I'm not the reading too much into things type.
7. Good. Dad & I reminisced for 20 min. this evening where we discussed ESPN's 30 for 30 series and especially the documentary about reggie Miller and the rivalry he and the Pacers had with the Knicks Mid-late 90's. I recounted exactly where I was when Reg scored 8 pts in 8.9 sec. in '95. 12 years old. back passenger side of my parent's sweet gray 'nova at the time. Listening to slick leonard & mark on the radio. My heart almost bursting.
8. Bad- Realizing over the course of this mini-convo with pops although I do have the pacers logo tatted on my back (yanks & colts too), that I have not felt that much passion for the nba for such a very long time (thank you Artest, ignorant Detroit fans, etc.). I honestly kinda miss the hard fouls, vulgar gestures, days when Market Square Arena was so loud I thought my ears were going to bleed. But I'll be patient.
9. Bad- I'll be up another 2 hours with some stuff, it's 2 am right now, Sister is still not home (and is going to want to talk to me), and I work at 10 a.M. The humanity.
10. Good- I've got a feeling...

Good night y'all.