welcome passengers to flight 033010, this is your captain msHap speaking. I have had one of those days, in which you find yourself thinking it was a push overall, the positives and the negatives battling one another so effectively, mirroring each other's every move like some sort of fucked up animal mating ritual, that you do nothing more than sigh yourself to sleep at some point and drift off thinking of what you can improve on when you wake up and what simply needs to be maintained. For me, on the bright side, I made it to all of my classes, ate well, worked out, and am sitting here currently waiting on my kid sis to return home from soCal. On the flip side, and there is always, as sure as life goes on despite your certainty that it will not at times, a flip side. But don't let me fool you, I'm not the "life isn't fair" type. Perhaps in certain situations, it is far from logical, excessively painful, erratic really, creating gale force winds for unsuspecting, undeserving, ill-equipped people. But I am not that person, one of those people. I exist with the understanding that 90+ percent of the pain that others feel in viewing my life, the pain that strangles my very heart, the stressful situations that I find myself subjected to on a near daily basis are of my creation, of my own laziness, or vanity, or inability to say no, prioritize, will myself to change and extract myself from situations that are morally unsound and absolutely reckless. People may have a million things to say about me, and when the truth is shaken out from the bullshit, you can take it to your grave that there are a handful of certainties that exist for me. Things that you can whisper behind my back or fling at me face-to-face that I will have little to no reply for...I am habitually tardy, love someone that I shouldn't, am prone to excess, and sleep too much. Oh, and that I'm loud. Get over it. Once you adjust to the volume of my voz, you'll realize there is much you can either wet yourself laughing over coming out of my mouth, or some really, really solid, non-judgemental advice. And not because I'm a know-it-all, but because I know a lot. It's different. I've fucked up enough to be able to steer you clear of nearly anything that will one day level you and blow up in your face or to be able to let you know that you will survive when you don't heed me in the first place. But perhaps one last thing that I'll guarantee you that you will never be able to deny me, regardless of whether I am an absolute waste of God-given talent, regardless of whether you hate my legs, hate my swag, hate the blunt but articulate things I have to say, is that I am genuine, never deny that I love with all of me, and receive it in copious amounts in return. And honestly, at the end of the day, at the end of all of this, what else do we really want? People talk, money talks, titles talk, and yet talking will eventually fall on deaf ears. You know what doesn't? The way you make people feel, the way that you love. I am in no shortage of this. This is what propels me on.
But at the same token, I spent nearly half an hour crying while back and forth texting someone because of them calling me out on my love, my naivety, my blind trust. He told me I love too much at times, or that I at least put forth this most tender, yet powerful of emotions on individuals who want nothing more than to have me around and then talk ridiculous amounts of shit behind my back. "Do what you want, be around who you want," he texted, "but know that despite this skewed vision you have of yourself at times, about how you are above all this, able to chill, and screw, and drink like an idiot, around certain people, with no repercussions, that you aren't. You want to be famous one day," he shot my way. "Oh, you are, but in no way the way you think or actually want." And these notions, although realized by my own self at times, were not welcome guests into my day's emotional guest house, and went on to eat all the food in my fridge, leave the toilet seat up, and not make the bed. Fuck. And worst of all, is this all came raining down on me from a person that I value more than most, and despite the peculiarities of our particular interactions, is someone that I know who never has, nor would try and verbally wound me without me pushing him to the very limits of his amor for me, having wounded him first, over and over with my blatant disregard for his feelings at times, only to always expect him to warm back up to me immediately after, coddle me when I demand it, force his own feelings and words down under a calm and smiling facade when someone around him degrades me in some way, with some words. He would later apologize, but needn't have. He was right, he is always right. And for the many reasons he moves me, this is one quality I have come to despise. Oh, what tangled webs we weave. And this one, has me like a mummified fly, bound up in the silken, but sticky threads, only able to buzz, devoid of movement. But don't blame him, I trapped myself in the first place. Each day I wait now for the fatal bite. It's coming.
I, however, feel hopeful at the prospect of the remainder of this week. I dropped about $50 at wal-mart, which, if I utilize/consume the items in my cart, could potentially create some good energy, take steps in the right direction for once, at least in physical matters that is. I have many things to do over the course of the next few days that I have been putting off and if I do so, could clear up some major mental space for me. And God knows, when your heart is already full, you need all the extra room elsewhere that you can get. Stay tuned.
And now, for the 60/40. A random run-down of 6 things/observations in my life that bring a smile to my face and 4 that I could do without having done or seen or heard. Be careful my friends, acquaintances, random members of society and tv stars. This is where you could end up one night if you're not careful, or immortalized if you floor me.
1. Good- Kid Sib should be home any minute now. With her return I get my best friend back, and some new clothes and a black sephora eyeliner (and females, it is seriously the most no budge, worth it $5 you could ever spend on something). Yeah, I'm passionate about make-up.
2. Good- I caught up on the episodes of Life (Discovery Channel) that I missed from Sunday and am absolutely floored by the camera work, mesmerized by the beauty and splendor that is God's creation, and amazed at the work some of those little fish I watched put in to get food, breed, and stay alive. I can't even get myself to do crunches. Check it out if you haven't seen it. One of the best hours on tv right now.
3. Bad- Although I worked out, I didn't get a run in today like I wanted. Which, plus for the workout, but I am "training" for a race, so ummm, yeah, about that.
4. Good- You guys are reading my posts again. and you have no idea how stoked this makes me, how much this fuels my fire to write, to share. I adore feedback so hit me with it.
5. Good- I got a somewhat random text from someone this afternoon who is relatively new to my radar about wanting to hang out this weekend.
6. Bad- He said this last weekend. We didn't hang. Thank God I'm not the reading too much into things type.
7. Good. Dad & I reminisced for 20 min. this evening where we discussed ESPN's 30 for 30 series and especially the documentary about reggie Miller and the rivalry he and the Pacers had with the Knicks Mid-late 90's. I recounted exactly where I was when Reg scored 8 pts in 8.9 sec. in '95. 12 years old. back passenger side of my parent's sweet gray 'nova at the time. Listening to slick leonard & mark on the radio. My heart almost bursting.
8. Bad- Realizing over the course of this mini-convo with pops although I do have the pacers logo tatted on my back (yanks & colts too), that I have not felt that much passion for the nba for such a very long time (thank you Artest, ignorant Detroit fans, etc.). I honestly kinda miss the hard fouls, vulgar gestures, days when Market Square Arena was so loud I thought my ears were going to bleed. But I'll be patient.
9. Bad- I'll be up another 2 hours with some stuff, it's 2 am right now, Sister is still not home (and is going to want to talk to me), and I work at 10 a.M. The humanity.
10. Good- I've got a feeling...
Good night y'all.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Don't call it a comeback...
Passengers aboard flight 032910, it has been a little over ocho months since I, Captain MsHap has addressed you with a mensaje over the cabin's loudspeaker, and honestly, I wouldn't be surprised to find that none of you are interested in not only what I have to say anymore, but even still in your seats. Most of you certainly must have already enlisted the help of those sitting in the exit row to inflate those safety slides and get the hell off of Han-Air, and I can't say I blame you. The flight time you've missed over the past near year has been nothing idealistic. It has been turbulent (violently so at times) and to say that there weren't a couple instances at least that my aircraft almost crashed and burned, would definitely be a lie. And one of those times at least, was simply because I was resigned to letting it hit the ground and go up in flames, having turned on auto-pilot to handle my life's dealings, no longer willing to put up a fight against the erratic nature of the world around me, aching so much so consistently that stepping out of the cockpit and sitting in a first class seat instead, sipping on those little single-serving, complimentary bottles of alc, eyes closed, headphones pumping Schubert's Clair de Lune into my ears, patiently awaiting my demise was a welcome thought. And don't get me wrong passengers, I (aside from those faint, over dramatized moments we all encounter over the course of our lives, and usually due to a douchebag human being we just happened to fall for), did not want to die, to breathe my last. I just did not want to live. It is not the same thing.
From the outside looking in, my journey seems to be on course, riddled with time delays to and from certain departure and arrival spots, but enduring, passing inspection to maintain daily flights--school-check, work-check, health-check, friends-check, intelligence-check, family-check, humor-check, productivity-check, love-check. The passenger list aboard my plane is an enviable one. Wonderful parents, two siblings that I adore, friends and co-workers that I can count on, make me squeal with laughter, support me in success, pick me up off the ground when I fail, help me unravel the knots that I expertly tie that I am certain each time I will not be able to undo. I am blessed beyond recognition, beyond gratitude, this I have and will always know. But counting one's blessings aren't always enough, at least for me at times, to keep perspective on just how wonderful this vida I am in truly is, and this is my Bermuda Triangle, the ability to maintain my bearings, sense of up and down, right and wrong, east and west when my heart causes my mind to completely fog up, and my instrument panel goes suddenly haywire, needles spinning, plane losing altitude. Despite this, I possess an eerie quality of calm that those around me feel, are drawn to when they feel out of control, such as when a co-worker simply got oversat by a couple tables and wants to walk out, or I take a crying child out of someone's arm and instantly placate he/she. This is ironic because based on this description of one of my personality traits, one would think I would be a little better under the stresses, disappointments, and heartbreaks of my own life. But perhaps it isn't actually calm, collectedness that draws you all to me like moths to a flame, but a different mannerism that I've developed over the years of fuckups, that of resignation. When you become somewhat numb to stumbling, falling on your face, or at least banging your shin off something left and right, knowing that only your death could really shock and devastate those around you, that you've done enough disappointing over the years to ease those close to you into a lull of acceptance that you're succeeding by simply breathing, then this is more what I put off than tranquility. Or at least it is the melody of the song that I fall asleep to each night.
but fear not passengers, my plane is generally a good time, chock full of vibrant characters, memorable conversations, drunken shenanigans, and a story line that is something that would make the shit on most reality shows (e.g. The Bad Girls Club) seem really, really juvenile and tame. My life, for myself and those in contact with me is cued up to a play list that suits every type, and is interspersed with more laughter than The Hangover could have ever thought about creating. Despite all the aforementioned gloom and doom that I battle each day, I am still a thoughtful, love oozing, bend over backward, funny as fuck, whip smart individual that values my friends and family and has big plans for my forever after. It is just of utmost importance that I get my self-loathing, debilitating side time to be recognized, released from its imprisonment in my head and heart so that not only can you realize that it is not only okay, but normal to think that you're falling apart and not even believe yourself capable of righting your wrongs, but also so that I can know that I'm okay, for me to see my misgivings in black and white, right in front of my face, to vent and release and give myself a springboard as well in which I can see where the hell I need to turn off at and try this all again. And so, as I realize which each word that is springing forth from the very depths of me, that I need to get this blog back up to daily activity. However, I can in no way, shape, or form even begin to fill you in on what has been que paso'ing with me since I've been AWOL. So here's what you missed in a nutshell.
I am back in school, attendance still sketchy, but 25 credits or less from graduation. My credit score still sucks and I have a few bills that are stressing me the flip out and I'm not sure what I'm going to do about. I am single (facebook officially) but my heart is currently, and has been in this state since around last summer's 4th of July in the hands of a person who I realize will never be with me the way I desire him to be, who has made me both better and comprehending of what I am capable of, but also morally worse and oddly enough, aware of what I am capable of (as far as destruction of sorts is concerned). My ex-esposo and I, on the other hand, are closer friends now and more respectful of each other than when we were married. My brother lives in SoCal and I miss him enough to cut this sentence short as not to dwell on it. My sister is here, increasingly my best friend and confidant, and continues to be one of my greatest sources of annoyance and also my greatest motivation for success. She and her high school b-ball team won the first girls basketball sectional in their school history. I cried like a baby. I am still drinking way too much and not running and eating right like I know I should be. Regardless, I'm signed up to run a mini marathon in the next 6 weeks. Some of my friends and I lost a good friend to a drunk driving accident in the past few months. This should have been more of a wake-up call to most of us. I miss you at the oddest times Jer, but you'd be proud of me, I'm not hand dancing so much anymore. I actually stopped caring about what I might actually look like on the dance floor and cut loose. No one's complained. My espanol is getting better by the day and I got the only A on my midterm in my class. I am about to start piano lessons and sing with a friend of mine in hopes we can get into a contest and win it. I am still using too much profanity. I am writing a novel that is loosely based on my own life (or perhaps a memoir although I'll never let all of you know what is true and what is not). I honestly think it's a little too profane for my parents to ever want to read. I made peace with my brother's girlfriend. I am still dealing with some legal stress in my life. I watched the movie Up in the Air and can relate to it. I am still growing up.
I have lost a handful of my close friends to moves, most out of state. And by lost, I mean I just don't see them as much as I'd like. I have made a few new friends, including three, and since I don't name names on here, I'll refer to you each with insider info. H, I appreciate you more than you'll ever know, even in this short time of our friendship. For letting me crash on your couch. For how funny we think Avatar is. For not judging the state of my love for someone even though it is a situation that you could never, would never let yourself get involved in. For enrique. J, from the deepest part of me, gracias. For reading the first part of my novel and not only enjoying it, but finding resonance within yourself in a part that wasn't even my central focus. For zumba. For being a strong, beautiful, wonderful woman and mother. For filming my epic consumption of Real Ha margaritas. And K, not only am I grateful for your friendship, but also for indulging my attention whorish side with tv spots for work. Congrats on your engagement. You are more than deserving of this. And for those of you who have been with me over the long haul and remain, you not only get thank-you's, but my unfaltering love and affection. Some of you have seen me in times, states, and heard me out on things that even I was squeamish to admit (and for those of you who know me, I haven't really ever been afraid to say anything).
So on this note, I end my first blog back in the longest time. I have missed you all, and hope in time you'll come back to me, to whatever drew you here in the first place. For some of you I allow you to escape the doldrums of your daily life, for some of you I kill time when you're stuck at work. Some of you enjoy my grit, others just want to talk shit about me later and know you'll strike gold here. Go ahead and talk it up, it's part of the reason I write. For some, I let you know that you're not alone in your darkest thoughts, morally unsound decisions. For some, you just like my sentence structure and vocabulary. For some, you may never read anything I write again. But for all of you, thank you. And good night.
From the outside looking in, my journey seems to be on course, riddled with time delays to and from certain departure and arrival spots, but enduring, passing inspection to maintain daily flights--school-check, work-check, health-check, friends-check, intelligence-check, family-check, humor-check, productivity-check, love-check. The passenger list aboard my plane is an enviable one. Wonderful parents, two siblings that I adore, friends and co-workers that I can count on, make me squeal with laughter, support me in success, pick me up off the ground when I fail, help me unravel the knots that I expertly tie that I am certain each time I will not be able to undo. I am blessed beyond recognition, beyond gratitude, this I have and will always know. But counting one's blessings aren't always enough, at least for me at times, to keep perspective on just how wonderful this vida I am in truly is, and this is my Bermuda Triangle, the ability to maintain my bearings, sense of up and down, right and wrong, east and west when my heart causes my mind to completely fog up, and my instrument panel goes suddenly haywire, needles spinning, plane losing altitude. Despite this, I possess an eerie quality of calm that those around me feel, are drawn to when they feel out of control, such as when a co-worker simply got oversat by a couple tables and wants to walk out, or I take a crying child out of someone's arm and instantly placate he/she. This is ironic because based on this description of one of my personality traits, one would think I would be a little better under the stresses, disappointments, and heartbreaks of my own life. But perhaps it isn't actually calm, collectedness that draws you all to me like moths to a flame, but a different mannerism that I've developed over the years of fuckups, that of resignation. When you become somewhat numb to stumbling, falling on your face, or at least banging your shin off something left and right, knowing that only your death could really shock and devastate those around you, that you've done enough disappointing over the years to ease those close to you into a lull of acceptance that you're succeeding by simply breathing, then this is more what I put off than tranquility. Or at least it is the melody of the song that I fall asleep to each night.
but fear not passengers, my plane is generally a good time, chock full of vibrant characters, memorable conversations, drunken shenanigans, and a story line that is something that would make the shit on most reality shows (e.g. The Bad Girls Club) seem really, really juvenile and tame. My life, for myself and those in contact with me is cued up to a play list that suits every type, and is interspersed with more laughter than The Hangover could have ever thought about creating. Despite all the aforementioned gloom and doom that I battle each day, I am still a thoughtful, love oozing, bend over backward, funny as fuck, whip smart individual that values my friends and family and has big plans for my forever after. It is just of utmost importance that I get my self-loathing, debilitating side time to be recognized, released from its imprisonment in my head and heart so that not only can you realize that it is not only okay, but normal to think that you're falling apart and not even believe yourself capable of righting your wrongs, but also so that I can know that I'm okay, for me to see my misgivings in black and white, right in front of my face, to vent and release and give myself a springboard as well in which I can see where the hell I need to turn off at and try this all again. And so, as I realize which each word that is springing forth from the very depths of me, that I need to get this blog back up to daily activity. However, I can in no way, shape, or form even begin to fill you in on what has been que paso'ing with me since I've been AWOL. So here's what you missed in a nutshell.
I am back in school, attendance still sketchy, but 25 credits or less from graduation. My credit score still sucks and I have a few bills that are stressing me the flip out and I'm not sure what I'm going to do about. I am single (facebook officially) but my heart is currently, and has been in this state since around last summer's 4th of July in the hands of a person who I realize will never be with me the way I desire him to be, who has made me both better and comprehending of what I am capable of, but also morally worse and oddly enough, aware of what I am capable of (as far as destruction of sorts is concerned). My ex-esposo and I, on the other hand, are closer friends now and more respectful of each other than when we were married. My brother lives in SoCal and I miss him enough to cut this sentence short as not to dwell on it. My sister is here, increasingly my best friend and confidant, and continues to be one of my greatest sources of annoyance and also my greatest motivation for success. She and her high school b-ball team won the first girls basketball sectional in their school history. I cried like a baby. I am still drinking way too much and not running and eating right like I know I should be. Regardless, I'm signed up to run a mini marathon in the next 6 weeks. Some of my friends and I lost a good friend to a drunk driving accident in the past few months. This should have been more of a wake-up call to most of us. I miss you at the oddest times Jer, but you'd be proud of me, I'm not hand dancing so much anymore. I actually stopped caring about what I might actually look like on the dance floor and cut loose. No one's complained. My espanol is getting better by the day and I got the only A on my midterm in my class. I am about to start piano lessons and sing with a friend of mine in hopes we can get into a contest and win it. I am still using too much profanity. I am writing a novel that is loosely based on my own life (or perhaps a memoir although I'll never let all of you know what is true and what is not). I honestly think it's a little too profane for my parents to ever want to read. I made peace with my brother's girlfriend. I am still dealing with some legal stress in my life. I watched the movie Up in the Air and can relate to it. I am still growing up.
I have lost a handful of my close friends to moves, most out of state. And by lost, I mean I just don't see them as much as I'd like. I have made a few new friends, including three, and since I don't name names on here, I'll refer to you each with insider info. H, I appreciate you more than you'll ever know, even in this short time of our friendship. For letting me crash on your couch. For how funny we think Avatar is. For not judging the state of my love for someone even though it is a situation that you could never, would never let yourself get involved in. For enrique. J, from the deepest part of me, gracias. For reading the first part of my novel and not only enjoying it, but finding resonance within yourself in a part that wasn't even my central focus. For zumba. For being a strong, beautiful, wonderful woman and mother. For filming my epic consumption of Real Ha margaritas. And K, not only am I grateful for your friendship, but also for indulging my attention whorish side with tv spots for work. Congrats on your engagement. You are more than deserving of this. And for those of you who have been with me over the long haul and remain, you not only get thank-you's, but my unfaltering love and affection. Some of you have seen me in times, states, and heard me out on things that even I was squeamish to admit (and for those of you who know me, I haven't really ever been afraid to say anything).
So on this note, I end my first blog back in the longest time. I have missed you all, and hope in time you'll come back to me, to whatever drew you here in the first place. For some of you I allow you to escape the doldrums of your daily life, for some of you I kill time when you're stuck at work. Some of you enjoy my grit, others just want to talk shit about me later and know you'll strike gold here. Go ahead and talk it up, it's part of the reason I write. For some, I let you know that you're not alone in your darkest thoughts, morally unsound decisions. For some, you just like my sentence structure and vocabulary. For some, you may never read anything I write again. But for all of you, thank you. And good night.
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