Since I've Been Gone

Oh, passengers of flight 062509, this is your captain speaking finally after a near two month hiatus from my blog, yes, dos meses away from you, and away from what is truly, at times, part of my own heart. But I had my reasons for staying away so very long, the most compelling of which was that I needed to simply take tiempo to process my divorce, which, only now, ocho months later, has truly began to manifest itself on me emotionally. And for once, and completely out of character for myself, I needed to shut my damn mouth and just have breakdowns and self loathing and validating and more loathing and more telling myself it was okay for this whole thing to hurt, even with the pretty little bow that the Ex and I wrapped our capsized boat in. I have been equal parts this past sixty dias or so, a mess and a success, although the past 10 days or so for me have been the first real rays of the sol that I have seen shine down on my life this entire summer. And with no real element of surprise, the turnaround has been of my own creation, my own propulsion, not some unexpected-fell-into-my-lap-shit. I just woke up one day and decided to be better. to be me. to do this right. And it's been hard. painful. revealing. But also refreshing. empowering. everything.

The biggest things to happen to me over the past couple weeks that have been absolute assets to my self-excavation have been the power of running and the amazing amount of positive results that a person can achieve when not drinking like Hemingway every day. The man was, however, a literary genius, although drunk siempre, so I'm not going to knock his style. However, for me, I need, especially at this emotionally laborious time in my vida to be operating on all cylinders, or with a full deck of cards as some like to say, instead of me jacking around all over town cada noche with a belly full of alcoholic bandage, only to find myself not simply holding a few cards short of the standard, but only the jokers. So, tired of feeling tired, tired of sketchy decisions, and tired of looking into a mirror that did nothing to placate my inner feelings that I was literally letting myself go, slipping into an abyss of one day of drinking that would eventually become a lifetime, I chilled out. I laced up my trusty Asics and hit the road, and logged 22 miles my first week back (although my body was muy enojado with me as I have not, since the "D" in Octubre, strung together more than 3 straight days of exercise), and yet, despite the exertion that I almost felt I would not be able to get through some of those sessions, I pressed on, and with each step found myself stronger, wide-eyed on the prize, me. And I won't lie, I've drank a couple times over the course of this physical outburst, but it's been considerably less than those who know me know I'm usually good for, and been around friends that I hadn't seen in quite some time, and not because I hurt, not because the only way to act like I was okay was to drink myself into thinking that I was okay. That has been the biggest revelation of this summer thus far. I am struggling with this divorce even though I wanted it, and still think it the best for the two of us. I am finally comprehending that even the conclusions of relationships that have everybody mesmerized (including the parties involved) by the neat packaging and even more dramatic use of language to describe the fall-out, that I am hurt by it, find it cripples me in ways I had never even considered, will always be in mind & on heart, even if out of sight. And as this cloud of knowledge, of understanding has hit me quite hard this past two months especially, I am emerging from it, although throat choked up, and eyes swimming, stronger, better. I know now that to heal, one must acknowledge the hurt, let the fake facade fall around he/she, feel some level of comfort being able to finally verbalize, "This divorce sucked." And now, with that said, I am moving on, one high arched foot in front of the otro, covering ground.

This summer has been muy interesante, and to get you all caught up on the que paso'ings, I must first present its power players, supporting cast, and dramatic elements. The following individuals have been in heavy rotation in my vida loca lately, some new to the scene, others "been here, still here."

*The familia- Mom, Dad, Brother, & Sister. Sister has an almost bf now, and is growing up quite beautifully into a strong & talented woman, and more importantly than that, my best friend.

*The Sushi Crew- I am at work quite a bit (but they would say otherwise), and so would be failing to represent those around me without referencing this group. I adore my job, and my boss, manager, bestest Diggy, & even some stellar new host/esses.

*Peligrosa- One of my mejor amigas since right out of high school, she continues to amaze me with her cast-iron stomach and subsequent ability to still make it on time to clinicals and other serious school business even off of no sleep. It's almost nonhuman. Seriously. And she and I created tequila story hour around cinco de Mayo that we try and adhere to every couple weeks, and all I can say about that is, I don't remember leaving Real Hacienda one of those times. No bueno.

*The Spanish Speakers- Some of you might remember from posts past that I had a crush muy grande on a certain Mexicano in town, only to have him hold me at arms length because he "can't trust me." So, I therefore said "Puede ir al infierno" (or go to hell) to him and became best buddies with his brother, who I can be found tomando'ing with here and there in town, & is actually a really solid individual. However, don't let me fool you here, el Jugador (the player) as I will call him, still has me by the corazon at times, most recently when I saw him a week or so back & we ended up in a mini-argument outside Applebees. Una vez mas, no bueno.

*The Hooper- This small-town boy has undeniably been the only real member of the opposite sex to even blip on my possibilities radar, and has kept me busy mentally and in conversation with my kid sib and gf's as to what exactly is going down between us and where if anywhere this is all going. I ping-pong back and forth with him in and out of friend zone, and although I enjoy his company, I am also quite wary of him as well, following a wedding fiasco, gut feelings, and once again, did I mention the mixed signals? And yet, I saw him, although fleetingly tonite.

*The News Anchor- This chica is a new addition to my friendset & a very welcome and enjoyable one at that. She and I, when both acting up, are disturbingly similar, especially in our dealings with boys, and have tendencies to tell our nutty stories in raucous voices and with little thought as to who is around us. Sometimes hilarious, sometimes inappropriate.

*The Internationals- My wonderfully diverse melting pot of amigo(a)s that I can count on to be clowning around any day of the week, and count on even more for if I actually need listening ears, favors, anything. This group runs the gamut of ethnicities, from Saudi to Macedonia to the Congo. Yes, culture exists in Terre Haute. Look around. Open your minds.

And now, in conclusion, at least for this early morning, I will present the first 60-40 of the summer in which I will put six positive transpiring of the past two months, along with cuatro that have negatively affected me in some way. And then, to some degree, we will all be on the same pagina again. I've missed you guys so much.

1. Good- I went out of my comfort zone (which for me, is saying a great deal) and tried out for American Idol in Chicago. The city rocks for starters, and the experience was well, unmatched.
2. Bad- Only 200 ppl made it past round 1 there out of 12,000 & I wasn't one of them, but I didn't cry like the ppl on t.v. that crack me up, and honestly, realize it wasn't the beginning or the end of anything for me. I will blog later in detail about the machine that is A.I. & behind the scenes stuff you don't see on the show.
3. Good- I am running again. A pretty serious amount following my stagnant past 8 months.
4. Good- I was able to see one of my moved away bestest's Bobblehead (to be henceforth known as Agent A. following his capitol police graduation) even though it was only for one day. I have missed him so much.
5. Bad- Another of my best boy buddies moved last month, the Pilot, to Miami, and I haven't seen him yet since he left, and having neglected spending time with him previous to his departure minus the day before and helping him back up his beemer the day of, I'm regretting this all so very much ahora. However, word on the calle is that he's back in town today (for just the day) and so I am going to have to check into this.
6. Good- My baby bro. graduated with his bach. in May. I saw my aunts from Cali and Seattle when they came here for it. I am still beaming with pride for him.
7. Bad- His graduation means his departure for L.A. in August. I am not going to know what to do with myself. We have become so close lately. And for members of my familia to get any closer than we've always been, well, that's saying everything.
8. Good- I still believe in love and am about to outline a dating experiement of sorts in tomorrow's post that I am going to be conducting with the help of a little Internet gem, match.com. this is going to be sooooo interesting.
9. Bad- I have to subject myself to match.com.
10. Good- I mean, isn't it obvious guys??? I'm back. I mean, really, really back. And p.s., U.S. soccer pulled a 2-0 win out of their asses to beat the Spaniards today. That's great news, & I'm not even a big futbol fan. GOOOOOOOOAAAAALLLLLLL.

Xoxo to all, and to all I'm sorry for the delay, I have missed you, and yeah, I'm tired, good nite.