leave the pieces

Passengers aboard flight 050409, this is your half frazzled/half peaceful captain speaking. As those two emotions are polar opposites, they equate homeostasis for mi, which, as my vida is typically more along the lines of out-of-my-cerebro-life-in-the-fast-lane-minus-brakes, definitely works for me. I wrapped up my hellacious spring semester today, and have decided to take the entire summer off (from classes at least) to concentrate on getting myself well again, in all respects-- physically, emotionally, financially, and psychologically, as to attempt to hit the ground running again this coming fall. I have set five tentative goals for the verano ahead of me, being 1.) Start taking care of me (be it eating well, going to church, not binge drinking 24/7, running, or what have you), 2.) Compete in and complete something athletic (half marathon, 5k, anything really of worth), 3.) Improve my Espanol and Tagalog by a great deal (success to be evidenced by actually being able to converse with mi madre in something other than English and just how many credits of Spanish I can CLEP test out of this fall @ school), 4.) Take a couple trips (at least one of them being to my best friend's pad in D.C.--Miss you mucho Bobblehead), 5.) Consolidate my debts and buy a car that is actually dependable, doesn't have a windshield that looks like Albert Pujols blasted a 100 mph fastball into it, and suits me. These goals are all rather attainable and should, if pursued, set me aright on the path once more to some overall feeling of self worth and not only preservation, but self propulsion. I have felt since last September that I have either been running in place on the treadmill of life, or falling off, limbs splayed every which way off of it a million times, and I am so ready once more, for forward motion, for progress. Even if this only finds me a quarter mile ahead of where I am now at summer's end, than this will be steps in the right direction. I am capable of so much, and mean a great deal to so many, that to continue to flounder in my own indecision and laziness and procrastination would be detrimental to far reaches of the mundo above and beyond self, touching friends, family, and even God himself. And the sheer thought of continuing to hurt, or disappoint, or worry any individual within one of these categories, is enough to want to make me fight out of this fog with all I've got left within me, regardless of how exhausted and insane it makes me. Perhaps to see life clearly, and live life well, one must first be nearly blinded, not able to see the clearing for the trees (or however that goes), must completely fall out of the reach of any who might try and aid he/she, to actually stand again, and see this show for all that it truly is. I aspire to this. I aspire to healing. I aspire to moving on. I aspire to letting go and letting God.